Dealing with a high anxiety dog

The jury is in and it's what I expected.

I've had Blue since October of 2013. That's 18 months of him living here, being loved, cared for and taken to classes. I've read everything there is to read and learned as much as I could. I'm still learning and always will, but I started to realize a few months ago that he would never be "right." By that I mean, he'll never be well-adjusted like a normal dog.

The trainer's and I agreed that he is a high-anxiety (fearful) dog and always will be. That's not something that ever goes away. It's a matter of managing it within the dogs comfort zone.

Blue has not progressed enough in the last 18 months to even get through the beginner's class, which is simply having the dog stay calm and relaxed. Blue can't do it for more than a few minutes. After that, he gets overwhelmed and pushy.

He has a very small threshold of calmness and has a hair trigger. Once it becomes too much for him, he "checks out" and begins to panic. That's what we've called his tantrums, but they really are his version of a panic attack.

Once it hits, there's nothing I can do except physically pull him away from it and wait for him to calm down. He starts pulling at the leash, his eyes dilate and it is impossible to stop. It's one of the few times I will purposely raise my voice at him. It's my way of trying to snap him out of it. These attacks last anywhere from a few seconds to a minute. If you've ever been around a dog who is panicking, a minute is an incredibly long time.

You see that look in his eyes in the picture? This is common for Blue. He has a sweet and gentle nature about him. He is loving, affectionate and a huge cuddle bug, but the reality is this: the world is a big and scary place for him and he worries all...the...time. He never feels secure. Not really. He was left alone and neglected for too long. The damage was done and cannot be undone.

He's never shown any aggression and its not something that I've worried about. But I know people and I know dogs and the fact is, anyone or anything that is scared will not always react appropriately. Fearful people and fearful dogs cannot be trusted. They react and don't analyze. There's no logic in many of their reactions.

At first, I was sad when I realized the true state of his condition. I was sad for him. I was sad that I'd never be able to haul him with me anytime I wanted. I was sad that he had been hurt so badly. I was sad that I would always have to run strict control on everything around him, even the cats, who he adores.

And then I realized that I love him, no matter what. I've had difficult dogs before and I always worked around it. I always did what was best for them.

I have a dog because I love them. I love what they bring to my life and I've learned so much from them.

Blue has the biggest heart and yet is afraid. When I brought out the ironing board and it squeaked, he ran into the bedroom and wouldn't come out until I put it away. He won't walk past the broom if he sees it. Often times, he bolts on our walk if he hears a strange noise. When he meets people, his head is down, his ears are down, and his tail is tucked in between his legs. Yesterday morning, for no reason that I know of, he was afraid to eat. I don't know why but I could see it. I coaxed him as best as I could, but something had kicked in, something that is bigger than him, so I took the food bowl away and told him it was fine.

He will always be like this and it's fine with me. I've learned to accept it as I love him just the way he is. I will work around all that I can.

If my dog can give me unconditional love, the least I can do is give it back to him.

Blue and Boots

These are my two nurses. Blue is easy to spot. Boots is on my legs and since I'm wearing black jeans, he's a bit hard to see.

Scout, as always, is off to the side, silently observing and judging.

As soon as I lie down, I am pounced upon. I'm sure it's for my own good, right?

Animals can and do sense our feelings and perhaps our thoughts. 

This photo was taken after having been in bed for most of the evening.

I can't say that their attention and demands for pets and belly rubs helped.

But it sure didn't hurt.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know I am incredibly grateful for my friends and family.

Especially the four legged ones.

A year ago today, Mr. Blue arrived and he's still a goober

I can't believe it's been a year since Blue came to live with me in his forever home.

I remember the day as if it were yesterday - his running around full speed in the yard with his toys, people all over the place, my cats locked in the bedroom and me sitting on the porch and wondering how I was going to do it.

When I first met Blue, he was too afraid to walk on a leash. His foster dad got him through that. Now he prances and sniffs and smiles during his walks.

It took about 9 months of living here before I saw his first true smile. You know the one. It goes from ear-to-ear and is accompanied with a happiness that radiates from within. It's not just the grin. It's the joy also.

The first night I had him, I crated him. He was wild and out of control. I had to keep him away from the cats. He cried all night. I got up a few times, but that seemed to make it worse for him. He eventually stopped early in the morning.

I never crated him again, though I've come close. He will occasionally go into his crate and sleep, but for the most part, he's my shadow when I'm home. He is currently stretched across my legs as I write this.

In the last year, he's gone from being frantic and needy to calmer and happier. He's a fearful and anxious dog, but much of it has abated. Loud noises scare him and yet the fireworks on the 4th of July didn't. 

I have blogged about a few things here and there. I follow a lot of Facebook pages about rescued pit bulls and see the amount of work that goes into posting and taking pictures. I have never wanted this to overtake my life or feel the need to keep up with it.

I have learned so much over the last year, about myself and my dog.

Blue's betterment has been a slow and gradual journey. At first I thought it would only take a few weeks to get him to be "normal" and by that I mean a well-behaved and happy guy.

But that was not to be the case. I learned that he's just like anyone else. He is who he is and has a basic and core personality. He is a sweet and gentle soul who doesn't always know how to act.

Over the last year, he has calmed down and settled in. He knows this is his home and he trusts me but he worries. I call him my "Nervous Nellie" because he is only relaxed when he is sleeping.

He's been a great comfort to me over the last year. He's made me smile when I was sick with worry on paying my bills. He wouldn't leave the bedroom when I was so sick earlier this year and was in bed for 4 days. He's licked away my tears when I felt so alone and scared. He's jumped up and down when I was happy and he is always checking in with me when we are together.

He's brought joy and companionship to a life that was afraid and alone. Through our training classes I've learned more confidence and happiness in being with him and taking care of him. Even when he misbehaves I know his heart is good and pure.

He's a simple creature that has helped this complicated creature learn an easy and relaxed life.

He's given me more than I had ever hoped for and he has no idea.

Blue started talking

I know, sounds weird, doesn't it?

But it isn't. Not for a rescue.

Blue finally started to talk to me and by this I mean, he has started to play growl/bark. That means he has something to say and says it. Tail wagging and grinning, he now lets me know he has something to say. It almost sounds like a purr.

He's never done this before. He's never really indicated what he wants, unless it's for me to get his Kong. Then he marches over to the cabinet where it is kept and looks back and forth at it and then me, rapidly.

Blue learned to accept and deal with whatever came his way. Being crated for a long time, he would just lie there and wait.

When he first did it, it startled me. I looked over at him and waited. He wagged his tail and smiled. He came over and I rubbed his face. He talked again and smiled bigger.

We had a conversation. I don't know what it was about, but we had one.

He finally felt safe enough to talk to me.

Hopefully he never shuts up.

To prong or not to prong?

 There has been quite a discussion going on over at Bad Rap's Facebook page about the use of e-collars (they shock the dog) and prongs. I've included a couple of links to read.

https://www.facebook.com/BADRAP.org/posts/10152374878942399
http://unexamineddog.com/2014/09/02/reading-between-the-lines/
http://www.teamdog.com.au/training-philosophy/

When I first saw Blue, he had his prong collar on. I was appalled. I was assured that it didn't hurt him (via a vet and a trainer) and it was used on him until I got him last year.

I continued to use it and then switched to the collar he now has. I agree that these can be used incorrectly and that the best way to go is proper non-force training.

But I also brought his prong with us on our hike yesterday.

Why? Because he pulls like crazy when he's around other dogs. Our last long hike (6 miles) just about wrecked my shoulder.

I also brought his head halter, just in case.

As with many things, abuse can occur. I have not put on his prong collar for over 6 months.  We go to training and the way to teach a dog to not pull is to stop walking when they do. It might take you 20 minutes to walk 10 feet, but MOST will eventually get it. Blue does.

But I was hiking in a group with a time schedule and did not want to be in the position of taking 3 times as long to finish the hike because I would be stopping every 10 feet.

He did well yesterday and I did not have to use it. He still pulled because he was excited. He rarely pulls me on our walks together, so the training is working.

But I keep the prong for occasions such as yesterday. I am a responsible dog owner and the collar had never hurt him. It has never left a mark, he has never cried and it takes a strong collar to manage an incredibly strong and powerful dog.

If you've not been around a pit bull, you've not seen how they were bred for a high pain tolerance and strength. The muscles on him are to be envied and respected. This does NOT justify being lazy and careless with the training of a dog.

Would I like to see these banned?

On one hand, yes because they would no longer be needed because everyone would learn a better way to train their dog.

On the other hand, some dogs need it (used correctly) as they are over-excited and bouncy and I would rather see that then having the dog euthanized.

What do you think?

Blue is coming right along

Been a while since I blogged, but mostly because I prefer Facebook and Google Plus for random updates.

Blue did very well in class yesterday. I had a long talk with the trainer and she agreed that he is an amazing dog, sweet as can be and fearful.

He doesn't have tantrums as much as they are anxiety attacks, which makes a bit more sense. For some reason, taking him out of the circle and having him walk in front of others sets him off.

I learned to not wonder why he does what he does. I'll never get the right answer. I just see what he does and work with him.

So we do small bits of sitting and staying and then walk. Then we come back to the other dogs, do a bit more and then walk some more. I have him sit and just look around, sniff things and keep it all very relaxed.

I love this dog with all my heart and soul JUST AS HE IS.

That's the biggest thing. Acceptance.

When he developed a bit of food aggression, I changed what I did. He's always been a nervous eater. He has to be coaxed and he won't eat unless I sit with him.

He either wants to play with everyone or he pins his ears, tucks his tail and cowers. No rhyme or reason and that's fine. I watch his body language and deal with it as best as possible for him.

Fear in dogs is almost impossible to get rid of, so we ignore it. I put NO attention on it and keep everything positive.

Blue is incredibly affectionate, playful, and smart. Stubborn too. I've found treats that are like crack for him, so those are working better.

When I see people approaching, I pull him off to the side, make him sit and stay and feed him treats for being a good boy. I'm trying to teach him that he does not need to react to external motion.

He's a high anxiety dog with a huge heart.

That's just fine with me.

Blue's future friend - Miss Betty Boop

Mr. Blue is coming along. Best class ever Sunday. You know what we did?

Nothing. Just walked around, up and down the street, and let him look at the dogs and people. Let him sniff the grass, wander and just relax.

Let him be a dog. No commands, very little attention on him and enjoyed the sunshine and fresh air.

We worked with 2 other dogs by just walking past them, over and over, while the foster parents helped them to stay calm and correct them when they became reactive. This was interesting to Blue. Of course, being Blue, he wanted to walk over and say hello.

Not once did he jump on me, or pull the leash or do anything but walk and smile.

Then the instructor came over. Blue was lying in the grass and chewing on a stick. She showed me how to be able to take it away and give it back to him. Blue can get a tad reactive when anything is taken away from him. It bothers him. You can see it. So he got a treat every time I took the stick and another one when I gave it back to him. Back and forth, quietly with very high praise.

Then she wanted to see how he was with another dog. This is a big thing and takes intelligence and being able to read a dog perfectly.

So nose-to-nose he went with Miss Betty Boop. Blue was ecstatic and immediately jumped and hugged her. She hugged back. I was trying to stay relaxed and trust. I held tight as he was pulling the leash with everything he had.

Betty was fine. She is used to work with other dogs. This is Miss Betty Boop:

We finally pulled them apart because Blue doesn't know when to stop. That's his problem - no "off" switch, which we have to find and cultivate.

So little steps based on tons of praise and fun when he's good and ignoring him completely when he misbehaves. He hates to be ignored, so it works well.

We will slowly have Blue be around Betty. She will not put up with any nonsense but Blue has no idea what that is.

That's OK. We'll get him there and my hope is he will soon have a friend to play with, to learn from and to just be a dog with.

That would make me the happiest person around.

No treats for you!

 This is Blue pouting.

Had a most interesting time with Blue yesterday in class.

Actually, saying he was in class isn't exactly correct. We stood on the sidelines and walked up and down the street for class. Marthina spent the hour with us and watched.

Yep, little Blue gets too excited and demanding in class. That's when he throws his tantrums. He is a "treat whore" and when he wants one - no, when he feels he DESERVES one - nothing will stop him.

Being in class with other dogs and people is just a bit too much for him right now.

We had all noticed that he wasn't behaving better; he was getting worse. I mean, we had to spray him with the water bottle!

Walking him up and down the street, easily and without much restraint, he began to smile. He looks at other dogs and people, but isn't particularly interested in them. We walked on the grass and then back off before he started to jump. When he gets near grass, all he wants to do is start running.

Marthina saw how great he is AS LONG AS I IGNORE HIM. The minute I lean over (to fix his leash) or say anything to him, he starts in.

He is a typical teenager AKA brat. Wants his own way NOW.

Marthina thinks he may have had some extremely strict obedience training before arriving on my doorstep. I don't know but it's possible.

So Blue needs to learn how to relax, amuse himself and not look to me all the time for attention and entertainment.

As soon as I ignore him, not even give him a command, he relaxes. If anyone comes up or gives him any attention, he acts up.

He lunged at someone when he came up because the man bent over to pet him.

Blue was all over him, wagging his tail and trying to lick the man to death.

Of course, I had him on his leash, so I get pulled right into it.

Marthina said "Nope, ignore him. Walk away," and the man did.

Blue knocked it off.

On our walk last night, Blue was fine when he saw another dog with his person. I felt him tug a bit on the leash. I stopped walking and he knocked it off.

But as soon as the other dog barked at him, Blue wanted to play.

I pulled him back and casually walked away. Blue followed. I didn't say a word.

So, no treats for him, no commands or praises. Just calmly and with some degree of boredom, walk down the street. If anyone approaches, immediately tell them to ignore him.

Operation Blue - ignore completely and help him to learn how to be a dog.

That means no treats.

Only I would have a dog that you do the opposite with.

Just like me.
 

PIT BULL ATTACKED BY SMALL DOGS!

Damn it!

There we were - Blue and I walking down the street on our daily walk. He's doing great, staying by my side and marching right along.

Suddenly, 2 small dogs come charging out of a garage, barking, snarling, and running straight for us.

What does Blue do?

He tries to run away.

He's scared. His ears go back, his tail goes under him and he tried to bolt.

Big bad pit bull is afraid of 2 small dogs.

I hold tight and turn around and face the little assholes who have suddenly stopped because the human is facing them and ready to do battle.

I hear humans shouting at them, running out of the house to get their dogs. I'm holding onto Blue's leash because he's pulling on it and wanting to get the hell out of there.

"GET BACK HERE YOU TWO!"

I don't move and quickly figure out what I have to do to prevent these 2 dogs from hurting my dog.

Someone comes running up and picks up one of them. My heart is pounding but I remain calm. I quietly tell Blue it's OK and hope that me standing tall and relaxed will calm him down.

It does. A bit.

"I'm so sorry," she says as she makes a retreat with one dog. The other follows.

I say nothing because what I want to say will not be good.

I walk Blue a few feet away, put him in a sit-stay and reward him.

We continue our walk as if nothing happened but inside, I'm fuming.

I doubt the dogs would have bit either one of us.

But I don't know for sure and I don't want to find out.

The sprayer made its appearance.

You see this?

Do you know what it's for?

This is used to spray water in Blue's face.

Do I like doing that?

Actually, yes and no.

First of all, I didn't do it. Blue was throwing another tantrum in class and just to be clear, let me first explain what that is.

This is when Blue decides to not behave. He begins jumping up and down and then grabs the leash, pulls on it AND WILL NOT LET GO.

Sounds cute?

Well, it isn't. It's extremely frustrating and a bit worrisome.

This isn't a case of a dog just wanting to play for a moment.

Blue does not do that. When he gets in this state, he's "gone," meaning mentally he is in a zone somewhere. His eyes dilate and his eyes and ears get red.

Have you ever had a 70 pound pit bull pull on you?

If so, then you know what I mean. You can understand where the myth came from about their locking jaws. Mammals don't have locking jaws, but a pit bulls jaws are incredibly strong.

If you haven't, then before you tell me how cute and funny it is, I'd like for you to experience the strength of this breed as he pulls on the leash and practically takes you with it. Allow yourself to feel your arm get pulled suddenly and have the leash that is wrapped around your hand get tighter and tighter and tighter. And then experience the pain in your thumb a bit later.

While this was going on, I saw the trainer quietly walk over to us. When he does this, I have to do my best to walk away and get him far from the other dogs. I do not talk to him. I just hold onto the leash and try to walk away.

I see her coming up so I hold on as best as I can. Blue is pulling as hard as he can on the leash. I'm a bit worried that he will chew through it. He tugs and pulls and has his heels dug in. The grass is wet and somewhat slippery.

Suddenly there is a shot of water hitting his face.

He stops and looks around. He looks like someone just walked up to him and slapped him across the face. His butt hits the ground and he lets go of the leash.

For a moment, all is quiet. I wish I had gotten a picture of his face. Priceless, as if to say "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

I stand there and look at him. He is staring at the trainer and unsure of what happened. We both suppress our laughs. She hands me the spray bottle and walks away.

Blue sees it. Suddenly he is now sitting in front of me, eyes up and his ears back. All thoughts of pulling on the leash are gone. His eyes dart back and forth from my face and the sprayer that I am holding.

I keep him out of the main circle and have backed him out of the group. This is where he will stay until I can get him through this.

Why is he doing this?

Well, when he is acting like that, he is being a puppy. I mean a young puppy. He is not acting like an adult because he doesn't know how. Just because he is almost 3 years old means nothing. Visualize how a little puppy plays and you'll get a good idea of how Blue plays.

So we are back to baby steps. Now when I take him to the park at night, all I have him do is sit and look around. Every time he looks at me, he gets a reward.

He has the attention span of about 1 second.

He is a wonderful, sweet and affectionate dog who doesn't know how to be a dog.

He may or may not get through this phase.

I think he will but no matter what, he'll always be with me.

Blue's tantrums

Yes, Blue throws tantrums.

They are quite cute. Well, OK, maybe not all the time.

But once his trainer pointed out what he was doing, my first thought was:

"Payback is SUCH a bitch!"

I understand tantrums. I know what it's like to get frustrated at not getting what you want. Though it has been decades since I've thrown things around the room when someone told me "NO!" I suppose as an adult, the urge is still there.

I just cover it up better.

What are his tantrums about?

Not getting a treat when he wants it or thinks he deserves it.

Not wanting to drop his toy or bone when I tell him to.

Not wanting to stop chasing the cats around the house.

It is most apparent during his classes. He's getting much better at sitting quietly and looking at me. I've gotten him to be able to keep his attention on me longer and longer.

But when we walk past anyone who has ever given him a treat, and he doesn't get one, he begins to jump up and down on me. He starts pulling the leash and refuses to stop. He'll put his mouth over my hand and hold it.

Anything to get my attention and give him what he wants. His ears go back, his tail is going a million miles an hour and he bounces up and down.

He is a strong dog and just wants what he wants when he wants it.

It doesn't work.

I turn my back and look away. He comes around and jumps on me. I turn away. He does it again and then grabs the leash in his mouth and pulls.

This will go on for quite a while.

The trainer smiles and stands quietly and watches.

Now, he never does this at home or when we walk. He only does it in class.

Can you even imagine what that might look to someone if he was doing that while we were walking?

I don't even want to think about it.

It used to take me several minutes to get his leash on him. As soon as he would see me pull it out, down goes his front legs and up goes his butt. I step near him and he begins to bounce and then run around the yard.

I would stand up straight, turn my back to him and wait.

This would go on for quite some time.

He finally got it through his head that I ignore his bad behavior and he only gets my attention when he is calm.

He rarely does this now but his new thing is to act up in class.

Well, that's what class is for. Find out what he needs help with and work with him on that.

Our homework for this week?

Get Blue to be bored for longer and longer periods of time.

I say "OK, we will do that this week."

So how do you train a dog to behave when what you're training them on drives YOU up the wall?

Who is learning now?

So I try. I try really hard and what I am overcoming is my own boredom. I am learning to ignore the bad behavior of PEOPLE around me. I stand there after I have gotten him to sit and wait. I can do this for about 5 seconds before I want him to come to me BECAUSE I AM BORED!

I want to throw my own damn tantrums in life too! Damn it! I want to jump up and down and body slam people who are being assholes and bitches and who refuse to listen to me.

So this week, I am practicing holding my own space for as long as necessary and not reacting to the jabs and barbs I get from people. I am learning to remain calm and wait things out. I am learning to not respond when someone uses their words to poke me on the chest and then blame me for getting angry or annoyed.

I am learning to just BE. To only pay attention to the rightness and goodness of people and my surroundings. I am learning to be aware of and ignore the tempers tantrums of others. I am learning to ignore those that want to blame me for their own emotions.

It has been said many times that dogs are a reflection of us.

I am finding that this may very well be true and one of the hardest things I have had to learn about Blue and therefore, myself.

Time to make some changes around here.

Blue with his Dad and I at an open house last week for a rescue shelter.

 

Sometimes. you hit these crossroads in life that you don't even know you're standing at.

What I mean is, it is easy for a life to go on auto-pilot. Just day in and day out, going through the motions that you've done hundreds or thousands of times.

It's easy to do because everyone else is doing it, so you go along with the motion. After all, you're the one that put it into play. You're the one that makes every decision of every moment about your life and the lives of others. Sometimes it's on a large scale, but most of the time it's these minute decisions that you no longer are aware of doing.

Some of us don't like doing that. Others wouldn't have it any other way.

I listen to the rain falling and I feel Blue's blockhead on my shoulder and hear his deep snoring. Scout and Boots are curled up along my side. Boots begins to purr as I stir and look at the clock.

It's 5:00 in the morning and I am wide awake. I glance over at the pile of incomplete projects on my nightstand and I sigh.

I log on this morning and see good things and bad things, as always. I see some funny shit, some angry crap and general run-of-the-mill posts that bore me to tears.

I watch the humans rushing to work. I look at my checking account and want to cry.

I see that the United Nations chose a pit bull for their stamps for the "International Day of Happiness."

And for a brief moment, I smile. I am happy and I knew this day was coming.

The day when I decide to go in another direction.

Again.

I thought I was all done with this nonsense of shaking things up in my life. I'm getting too old for this shit.

But, no. Not me. I lie to myself just as well as everyone else does.

But I have a low tolerance for it and I know it's always just a matter of time before I stop doing it.

Why?

Because that smile that I had for a brief moment was the first one in a very long time that I actually felt. I mean, it came from my heart and soul and was a reflection of true happiness for a second.

These animals, these pets that I have, make me smile like that. They make me feel it from the inside out.

Humans often make me shake my head, rub my forehead and want to slap them. The guy who looks right at you and still cuts you off in traffic, knowing you had to slam on your breaks to avoid hitting him.

The woman that sneers at you as you hold the door open for her and doesn't have enough manners to thank you.

And then I read about the wonderful people working so hard without enough time or money to make a difference in an animal's world, but they are getting it done.

The look of gratitude in the dog or cats face when they have been saved will forever be part of my soul. Along with it comes the horror of what some humans are capable of. The part of life that I cannot deal with and yet cannot walk away.

What does this mean?

I have no idea except that I have lost all patience with the those that do nothing to help themselves, let alone extend a helpful hand to the lives around them. I know that my time on this planet is limited and I have no intention of wasting a moment of it on those that do not help to make this world a better place.

My time will be better spent on supporting those that are making a difference.

It's time to turn off the auto-pilot and kick some ass. It's time to turn my back on the negative, roll up my sleeves and immerse myself back into the world of non-profits for humans and animals.

It's time to stop worrying about my own survival and go where this road leads me.

I have no idea where that is, but I'm on my way.

Am I scared?

Hell yes.

But I'm going to do it anyway.

Living a conventional life has never been my style and I've been too comfortable for too long.

Yes, it's time to make some changes around here and as soon as I know what they are, I'll let you know.

Waves and logs off...

Alpha? Dominant? Pack Leader? Please make it stop.

"Alpha? Who cares as long as I have you Mom." 

I can't take it anymore and I finally found the training program that told me I'm right.

Blue is an amazing dog. Sweet, shy with strangers, a huge heart and all he wants to do is be loved and play. He...just...wants...to...play.

Finally, someone told me today what a wonderful quality that is in him.

It doesn't mean he's dominant.

It doesn't mean he's trying to control me.

It doesn't mean I don't have my dog under control.

It doesn't mean he's aggressive.

It means just that: he just wants to play and have fun.

Period.

I don't want the perfect dog. I don't want a dog that isn't happy. I don't want a dog that is afraid to be himself.

I want a dog that is secure, well mannered and a good friend.

I started a new class with Blue 2 weeks ago. Today, we did an exercise. We were told to forget about controlling the dog with the leash and voice. Instead control (and therefore teach) the dog with our body language and energy. We each took turns to hold the leash loosely, walk with our dog to the center of the circle, stop and turn around and walk back.

We all agreed to be critiqued by the others. What happened was amazing.

Each dog is an individual, just as each person is. Each dog in class has their own shit to deal with. Some dogs pulled and tried to run around and each time the human was advised to stop and ignore the behavior.

Each time it worked.

Our turn came. I stood up tall, relaxed the leash and marched to the center of the circle. Blue followed. As soon as he would pull away, I stopped and ignored him. I turned around and he followed.

Suddenly, Blue is all over me, jumping and wanting to play. I stop, turn around and ignore him. I said nothing. I did nothing and waited.

Of course, he has NEVER done that on our walks.

The trainer smiled as we got back to our spot and I waited to hear what everyone had to say.

She said "What did you all see? Did you see aggression? Domination? What?"

All said "He wanted to play!"

"Yes! That's right!" the trainer said as she walked over to Blue. "And I love that about this dog! He's beautiful and amazing and a wonderful dog!"

I was stunned. I expected to hear "Get your dog under control! Don't let him push you around! Show him who is in charge. Now!"

We were then told how the "Alpha" theory and "Pack Leader" theory has been debunked for many years now. We were told to Google it and I did.

Here is a link that I found that made me smile: http://healthypets.mercola.com/sites/healthypets/archive/2012/05/09/dog-behavior-myth.aspx

I know my dog doesn't think of me as another dog. Come to find out, the man that originally came up with this research has asked everyone to stop publishing his work as it has been altered and the study done of wolves was not done in the wild. It was done in captivity. :http://content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2007250,00.html

Now don't get me wrong; I love the work that Cesar Millan does and I am in agreement with most of his philosophy and tools. This isn't about him or his work.

It's about what works for me. And if it works for me, then it will work for Blue.

I have no interest in trying to convince Blue that I am an Alpha. I'm not a wolf nor a dog and he is not a human.

All he wants to know is what is right and what is wrong.

And my job is to teach him that and help him be the best FAMILY member he can be.

Yes, he's my family and to think anything other than that does not work of either of us.

"Oh, does your dog bite?"

Anytime I take Blue out, it's training. It's always training when we are together. I don't put a leash on him and let him do what he wants. If he and I are together, we are working. There's nothing leisurely about it.

Every moment is a moment he can learn.

We went to Petco today to get some supplies for our hiking and a new collar for him. He starts more classes tomorrow and the trainer told me the best one to get. We wandered around, looking for what I needed and of course, he wanted to sniff everything, go over there, say hello to everyone and basically just have a good time.

Well, Blue doesn't get to do that. He stays by my side and anytime he wants to wander away, he gets a quick correct and made to sit. It's the repetition that teaches him.

When I stop, he sits. When I walk, he walks.

He did quite well. Several people came up to him and petted him. His ears went back, he lowered his head and let them. Fortunately, no one walked straight up to him and started petting him. He would have been fine, but it's not the proper way to greet a dog.

The proper way is to ignore them, stand tall and let them be. If they want to come up to you, they will. If they don't, then they don't. No harm, no foul.

As we were standing in line, lots of people were going by with their dogs. I had my purse over my shoulder, Blue's leash in one hand and the items I was purchasing in the other. He sat, looked around and was quite calm.

Then a woman came in with her dog. It was a little dog on a long leash that she was allowing to run up to all the other dogs. She had no clue what her dog was doing as she stood there and looked around. It was about 8 pounds of fur, bouncing all over the place.

Blue saw him and I had my eye on Blue. He got up to see the dog. I told him to sit and he did. His ears were up. He wanted to play.

Blue does not know how to play yet. He's rough and is all legs and mouth.

Blue lunges very fast when he wants to play. One moment he's sitting quietly and the next moment a 70 pound pit bull is flying through the air to pounce and smother you with kisses.

This can be quite scary to anyone. 

The little dog came running up to Blue. The owner was oblivious. I told Blue sit and he did. The little dog got closer. Blue jumped up. His tail was wagging. This was fun!

I told him to sit again and he did. The little dog ran around and wrapped his leash around the woman's legs.

She paid no attention.

Then he ran back to Blue and began barking at him. Blue shot up and I told him to sit and corrected him.

I asked the woman to reign her dog in.

She looked over at me, blankly, as her dog began barking at Blue and getting in his face.

"Reign your dog in, please," I said.

"Huh?" she said.

She had no clue.

"Get your dog under control now!" I said firmly.

She looked around, down at Blue and then at her dog.

"What?"

She was serious. She had no idea what I was talking about.

"Would you please get your dog away from my dog?"  I said.

"Oh! Does your dog bite?" she asked.

"No, but I do. Plus I have a mean drop-kick," I said and stared back.

"Humph," she said and walked away, dragging her dog who was still talking smack.

If anything had gone wrong, one guess on who would have been blamed.

You got it. The pit bull.

Humph.

Good morning.

New Year arrived quietly and with great expectations.

The morning is too dark, dreary and drizzly to walk, so we are staying in bed until the last minute before getting ready for the day.

I was able to sign Blue and I up for a pit bull hiking group, called "Hike-A-Bull" and I am excited about it. They work with the non-profit pit bull rescue called "Our Pack" and I think this is just what Blue needs.

This is a group for owners that have dogs that are learning and a work in progress to those dogs who are fine. It is well supervised and the dogs do not interact, which is a huge relief to me.

Blue just needs to learn to be a dog with other dogs without any pressure to do anything.

As sweet and goofy as he is, his lack of proper socialization shows.

Walking him is always a challenge because of what we may or may not run into.

Blue wanting to play with every dog he sees shows in his lunging towards other dogs. Tail wagging, nothing but legs and mouth heading towards the unsuspecting dog needs to be corrected.

He is strong but I am stronger, smarter and more aware. Snap goes the leash as I quickly and firmly pull him back, over and over, until he realizes that we don't play that game.

Plus I am also seeing how nervous/scared he gets when he suddenly tries to bolt whenever anything or anyone comes up suddenly behind us.

I maintain my composure and don't react and continue to walk tall and pull him along. I ignore it, even when he looks up at me to see if I'm scared.

We only pay attention to positive things and ignore the negative.

Just as I do in life. I will grant life and love to all the positive and refuse to be baited into the negative. I hold my head high, stand tall and continue to walk forward.

If I flinch, I hope no one sees it.

My connection with animals has always been there and grows stronger as I grow older. I have no understanding of those that do not have this. I dismiss them as unimportant and stupid and keep walking.

I hear animals and I understand them. One needs to be quiet in one's heart and mind to hear them and listen. Just like humans, they just want to be heard and understood. Their simplicity is something I admire greatly and at times, envy.

I works towards a simpler life and Blue teaches me that it's the little things that matter.

A warm and soft place to sleep.

Enough food to not be hungry.

Acceptance of who one is at face value.

There's always time to play and having fun is the most important thing in the world.

No matter what happens, the moment will pass and another will arrive.

The past has no value and all we need are belly rubs, a kiss on the forehead and a smile.

Anything else is unimportant.

The battle of the wills continues

This is one tired puppy.

It's 6:30 on Sunday night and we both have finally had a chance to sit down and relax before dinner.

Blue finished up his first set of classes and will graduate next week. I've had him for two months and the difference is night and day.

As we work together, new things come up. This is always welcomed and sometimes a surprise. Today the surprise was him starting to jump up on me.

Now some may think that it's cute and friendly, but it's not. Yes, he's being sweet but he is also showing me I don't have him under control 100%.

What triggered it? Most likely the new puppy in class who would cry and carry on every time she was corrected. You would have thought she was being beaten at times. She was never hurt but learned that if she cries, the humans will stop and pick her up.

They will give her sympathy and she learns how to continue her bad behavior.

Blue got nervous when he heard it. He wanted to go over and help her. That is his nature.

Each time he tried, I stopped him and made him sit. I had to constantly correct him. He wasn't being his usual calm self in class today.

At one point in class, the trainer took Blue and walked him away from me. He kept turning his head around to look at me. She would correct him and continue. She had him sit and then had me walk up to him.

He jumped up on me and I immediately walked right into him and kept doing it until he sat down.

Never push a dog back. Never back away. Walk forward and claim your space. You make THEM move out of your way.

 After class, I brought him home and spent 1/2 training him like she showed me today. Afterwards, the weather had turned perfect, so I grabbed his leash and out the door we went.

I went to the park and saw two women walking their smaller dogs. I walked towards them and when they saw us, they smiled and waved. Blue met them and their dogs. Both of them love the bully breeds and have done quite a bit of work with them. Both of their dogs were rescues.

Blue did well with his greetings and they knew enough to know what to do. When Blue tried to play, they snapped back at him. I gently pulled him away, stood in front of him and made him sit and look at me.

They understood exactly what I was doing.

I didn't have to deal with "Oh, he's so cute! He's just being friendly!"

Or "He's so sweet! Look how much he likes me! He jumped up on me! What a sweet boy!"

No, Blue was being an asshole and he and I both knew it. Yes, he gets over-excited when he sees other dogs and that's exactly what I want.

I want as many opportunities as possible to teach him. I kept correcting him, over and over, until he finally got it through his blockhead that I will NEVER stop. Ever.

We walked a little further and came across a couple with a beautiful pit bull who is also a rescue. Her name was Molly and Molly does not like other dogs.She snarled and barked at us. I just stood there and made Blue sit while I waved at them. They waved back and came closer. We talked for quite a bit and I gave them the name and phone number of Blue's trainer.

Blue was better behaved with them, but I still had to stay on him to sit.

They were also familiar with the problem humans give us when working with a dog. They knew to never approach a dog directly and appreciated it that I kept my distance and didn't worry about Molly.

Back home, I continued a bit more training with him until he crawled into his crate and fell asleep.

I am putting him in more situations so he will learn.

What is he learning?

Only one thing.

I'm in-charge and he doesn't get to make one decision.

It is in his nature to challenge me, every step of the way. He's at the most difficult age and when he gets through this and understands everything is OK, that is when he will relax and submit.

Friends and family know me well enough to know I will talk to them when I can. I will go see them later or not at all. They support me in what I am doing and are all cheering for us.

I had planned on doing something completely different today, but an opportunity came up to help Blue, so I grabbed it.

Only a dog lover can understand it.

And those that don't, I don't need to hear from them. 

So tonight we are done and those things that didn't get done today can wait for another day. My friend is happy, fed, secure, warm and relaxed.

And so the battle of the wills continue.

The problem with dogs is humans

Over and over again, a mantra goes through my head when I work with Blue:

"He feels what you feel and will respond that way."

I believe this theoretically and know that our emotions and thoughts communicate to others, whether they be human, animals or plants. Any life form has the ability to give and receive communication. We may not see it but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I can stop a human in their tracks with one look. I effectively control those under my care at work quite easily.

So as I read more from Ceasar Millan and worked with Jimi (Blue's trainer) who subscribes to his philosophy, I began to look at what they said and compare it to what I know.

I struggled with the very light touch used in training Blue. By light touch, I don't mean a physical touch (though a firm and quick jab is used in his ribs to get his attention), but I mean the calmness and firmness of my voice and actions.

I have never successfully been able to stop a dog from jumping up on me when they are excited. No matter what I said or did, it did not matter. Jumping and barking would ensue and I learned to tolerate it.

I was told to ignore any of his "bad behavior" and only give him affection when he is calm.

Yesterday, I put that into play and decided to give it a try and see if it worked.

I got home and as is usual, Blue was waiting for me. Quietly and patiently, he was staring at the door. I can see him through the window.

I put my purse and keys down after unlocking the door. I took a deep breath and told myself I am happy and calm. I opened the door and looked down at him.

I said nothing.

I did nothing.

He looked at me. I said "Come" and he ran outside. He began to run around and circle me.

He then jumped up. I turned around and put my back to him and ignored him.

He stopped!

I kept my back to him. He ran out into the yard and peed and trotted back. He was grinning and his tail was wagging like crazy.

I looked down at him.

He started to jump up again.

I turned my back and ignored him.

Again he stopped.

I stood like that for a minute, gathered my purse and keys and walked inside. I closed the door in his face.

When I came back, he was still sitting. He was calm.

Only then did I acknowledge him. I petted his face and scratched his ears.

He now only gets affection if he is calm. Otherwise, he is ignored completely.

I ran him in the yard for 15 minutes. He is learning to let go of his toy for me to throw again. I tell him "Drop it" and repeat as necessary. I never pull on it - this can cause him to be aggressive and want to play rough - and if he doesn't drop it, I look away until he does.

I put his leash on and out the yard we go. I think about how I want to be towards him. What kind of a leader works for me?

I toss various ideas around as we walk. He behaves beautifully. I now am learning to control him with the way I look at him and not with my voice. Any and all distractions he has, I immediately put a treat up to my forehead and say "Look at me" and he does.

Suddenly it hits me. If I was with a child, I would be a certain way.

I would not be worried. I would be very aware of the child the entire time.

I would not put the child or myself in a dangerous situation. I would always make sure the child was safe.

I would not look at anyone approaching us with fear or worry that they would hurt us or steal the child but I would be willing to kick their ass if they tried.

I would keep myself cheerful and positive around the child no matter what else might be going on in my life. I would never subject a child to my worries or concerns. I would want the child to feel safe, secure and happy in my presence.

The child would trust me and learn to look to me if they needed or wanted anything. I wouldn't scold the child but would show them how to do things and then praise them when they did.

It all clicked as we were walking. I looked down at Blue and without me having to say a word, he looked up at me.

He got my thought.

I looked away and tried it again.

He again looked up at me.

We walked a bit further. We passed a yard and heard a loud and fierce bark from a dog behind the fence. It scared me and I felt my heart stop for a second.

I looked down at Blue. He was looking up at me, wanting to know how to respond.

I kept walking and acted as if I didn't give a rats ass about it.

He calmed down.

It was one of the best walks we had ever had. Every time his attention would wander, I would tell him to look at me and he did.

He is teaching me how much control I do have over my thoughts and emotions and actions. He is learning to trust me as I learn to trust myself more and more.

Last night was one of the calmest evenings we've had since he arrived.

He is learning who is in charge and because of that, his worries and concerns are falling away as he begins to trust me more and more.

He trusts me because I trust myself with him.

Blue is Blue

Blue with his Dad, chilling.

That's what it all comes down to.

Blue is Blue. He is himself just as I am. Just as you are.

Everyone is like no other and the key to teaching (whether human or otherwise), is to see WHO is there and what their attitude is.

Blue is making great strides in his training. We are taking it one step at a time and after the "not-so-great-weekend," I am making sure that every interaction I have with him, he ends up happier.

Each barrier we encounter opens another door to learning. Learning about him and helping him learn how to get along in this thing called life.

My Mom asked me Sunday how Blue was. I told her what we had been up to, what I was working with him on and how well he was coming along.

Come to find out, a few family members are afraid of pit bulls, which I wasn't aware of when I took him up there.

This is called learning.

She then proceeded to tell me how proud she was of me for all that I am doing for him. She thinks he is wonderful and loving. I agreed. I talked about how I logically understood people being afraid of this breed but that it wasn't until it hit me head-on that I experienced the emotional reaction of it.

This is called learning.

This week we are working on "Stay" "Come" "Down" and "Look at me." Last night he had to stay on his bed (right next to me) while I watched a movie. I no longer allow him on the couch. Every point of control and positive direction I give him is met with eagerness and confusion. Repetition of the command in a cheerful voice calms him down.

Once he gets it, he is happy.

When I look down at him, all I see is willingness and sweetness.

As his trainer said "It's never about making the perfect dog. It's about making him the best he can be."

I love him just the way he is. Yes, he's like a bull in a china shop sometimes but only because he wants to play.

He tried to get the cats to play with him and his Kong last night. They weren't interested, so instead he gently placed the toy on Boots and waited.

Boots purred, rolled over onto his back and his toy hit the floor.

Blue looked at the cat and then the floor, back and forth a few times, not sure what it all meant.

I had to turn away for a moment because I was going to laugh at the look on his face.

It was such a generous offer to the cat because his toy is the greatest thing in the world to him. It is scared.

And he offered it to another.

Who doesn't want more of this in their life?

So today I am going to be as generous and kind as I possibly can be.

This is called learning and trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

Our biggest battle will always be the humans of this world.

Despite Blue's stupid owner, he survived this weekend.

Somehow we made it through this weekend but not without some very good things and something not-so-good.

The plan was to take him up to visit my Mom and some family members for her 84th birthday. My sister had called my niece and told her NOT to bring her dogs because Blue was coming. This was very thoughtful and sweet of her.

I knew Sadie, my Mom's 14-year old Corgi would be there, of course. That would not be a problem because if it's too much for Sadie, she goes to her bed and is left alone.

I knew there would be a few people there but I did not know there would be 16...in a very small house...with Otto, my niece's cute Jack Russel Terrier.

We got there and Blue was wonderful. He ran around and greeted everyone. I told them all to just ignore him and see what he does. He was wonderful. Tail wagging, running around, smiling. Very loving.

He greeted Sadie. He started to lick her and she snapped at him. Blue does not understand this. I was sitting right there with him, holding his collar. I gently pulled him back. Well, as gentle as you can be with a dog who is so strong.

Otto came up and Blue did the same thing. Otto snapped and I saw Blue try to dominate him by putting his front leg over Otto.

OK, now I know I have a dominate male pit bull. Duly noted.

Otto and Blue went back and forth a bit during the day. I put him back on his leash because he was getting over-excited and I still have a ways to go to get him under control.

He licked the faces of the children and wagged his tail. Various family member commented that I should to this and that and watch out for...

I started to feel myself get overwhelmed and Blue was too excited. I put him out in the yard and went in and out. He cried and fussed. We kept Otto away from him because my niece said Otto likes to instigate shit. They have several dogs on their ranch and Otto was becoming an outside dog because he can be such a butt head. Plus she has a 5-week old daughter and can handle just so much.

Blue gently went over to the new baby and licked her head. My brother and cousin told me not to let him do that. That is was a bad thing because it could make the parents nervous. I didn't argue, but tried to understand. Finally I realized that Blue was making some people nervous, so I put him back outside. I decided to leave him there and when everyone was gone, bring him back in.

I should have stuck with my decision, but I didn't. It was decided that pictures were to be taken AND that Blue should be in them.

I thought that was a wonderful gesture, so I brought him back in and sat down.

Keep in mind that I already realized this was getting to be too much for him. There were too many people and I had made a mistake. I put him in a situation that he was not prepared to handle. Too many people in a small area with other dogs.

As we were taking the pictures, I was having a hard time getting him to relax and sit on my lap. He could do it for a moment, but then wanted to play.

The pictures were taken and as people were starting to move around, someone dropped something right in front of Blue. I was not paying attention but the sound scared me and I flinched.

Blue snapped and snarled at it. I didn't know what was going on. It wasn't a big deal to me, but it was to Blue. People were crowded in on he and I, I flinched and he reacted.

I had my hand on his collar and felt him jerk forward towards the sound. I yanked him back, still not sure what happened, but I felt my adrenaline pump.

The room got quiet because he had growled.

I thought he was reacting to Otto, so I put him back outside. I was suddenly scared.

After everyone left, my Mom said she saw what happened. A child had dropped his toy on the ground right in front of Blue and it scared him. She said it wasn't a big deal at all.

But everyone reacted.

I had blown it. I had suspected he was fear-aggressive and now I had it confirmed. Maverick was like that and I would have never put him in the situation I had just done with Blue.

Once everyone was gone, I brought him back in. He got up on the couch with my Mom and I and cuddled. He laid on my Mom's lap, licked her face and settled down. She petted him and soothed him and told him what a good boy he was.

I told my Mom I felt horrible. She said "Look, you're a responsible dog owner. You're taking him to classes. It's not a big deal and if it's a problem, just muzzle him. It's going to be OK so stop worrying about it."

All night, I mentally kicked myself for being so stupid. Blue needs to be socialized slowly and not with 16 people and dogs in a small room all at once.

When we got home, I got the car unpacked and Blue settled in. I sat down and looked at him while he looked up and me with his ears back and his tail wagging.

I knew what I had to do.

I took him for a very long walk then ran him for 1/2 hour in the yard. I then fed him and worked with him on basic commands for about 10 minutes. I brought his bed in from the yard and put it next to the couch. I began to exert more positive control. He now sleeps on his bed and isn't allowed up on the couch.

I made him sit and wait before jumping up on the bed. Everything I asked him to do, he did.

I crawled into bed and pulled him next to me. He licked my face and burrowed into me.

I looked down at him and realized that I understood him so well.

I understand being afraid. I understand being a form of life that isn't always easy to deal with and that no one wants.

I understand what it's like to not have a home and to be scared of not knowing what is going to happen the very next moment.

I understand being bounced from one place to another.

I understand the feeling of total isolation from others and not knowing what you did wrong.

I know all about it.

Tomorrow morning, everything changes

Tonight I get ready for everything to change in my life tomorrow morning.

Most people would think that is such an odd statement and it probably is. I mean, it's just a dog, right?

Wrong.

It's so much more than that.

At least, for me it is and since this is my blog and my life, I get to choose what to do with it and how I feel.

Since deciding to adopt Blue under a difficult situation, I guess I should have known that some people would give unsolicited advice and opinions.

It is a rare day in hell when I ask for someone's opinion and adopting Blue was not one of them. It wasn't so much of a decision as that moment when you know you have to - and want to - do the right thing.

I have always had dogs. They were in the house when I was brought home from the hospital as an infant. At one time, I had 4 dogs.

I have never gone longer than a month or two without one.

Until the last one was put down.

Maverick. Shadow. Renegade. Moppett the cat.

He was the 3rd dog I had lost in 3 years, along with 2 cats. It was a long and painful ordeal as he was dying from cancer. Three times I scheduled with the vet to put him down and three times I cancelled.

I couldn't do it. He was still eating, walking slowly and still had his goofy grin. I talked extensively with the vet. I was assured that he was not in pain and would continue to have bursts of energy. She told me I would know when to do it and I wouldn't hesitate.

She was right.

Towards the end, I had him with me 24/7. I brought him to work. He could not be left alone for a moment. He had a tumor that could rupture at anytime. All I did during those last few weeks was sleep (with him in my bed), eat, work and go home. If I had to go to the store, his Dad would stay with him. My life was centered around him and his needs.

Then one night it happened. He wouldn't eat. He refused chicken. He refused steak. He wouldn't drink any water. He wouldn't stop walking.

It was late. I gently picked him up and put him on the bed. I wrapped a blanket around him and soothed him. He was shaking. Every time I petted him and talked to him, he would stop. I held him like that for 8 hours. All night I rocked him and tried not to cry. He would only sleep if I held him very tight. I talked to him and told him it was time. He sighed and wagged his tail.

I held him so tight and for so long that my entire body ached for days afterwards.

We said our goodbye's and in the morning, I took him to the vet, along with his Dad. It was quiet and peaceful.

I cried for 3 weeks.

All my dogs were gone.

I vowed to never go through it again.

I meant it. The thought of going through that much pain again was too much.

I had my cats. I had more freedom. I didn't have vet bills. I didn't have to worry about being gone for a few days. It no longer mattered when I got home at night.

And that suited me just fine.

And then Blue arrived. I helped with him. I adored him. I cried when he had to leave his foster dad. But he was OK and loved his mom.

Then I heard he needed a new home and they were taking him to the shelter.

And here we are.

And I've heard the opinions of some that I might not know what I'm doing.

Say what?

"Remember what you said after Maverick died? Remember how devastated you were?"

I wanted to slap her. Hard. Across her face.

"No. I don't remember anything about that," I said and rolled my eyes.

She looked at me for a second.

"You honestly think I don't recall any of it? You really think that?"

"Well, what I mean is..."

"What you MEAN is that YOU don't approve of this for some reason. What you THINK is that your opinion means something to me and that's where you're wrong. I never asked what you thought. I don't give a damn what you or anyone else thinks and I don't recall asking you for your opinion!"

I walked away. I was furious. I reminded myself, once again, to never talk about animals to someone who doesn't understand.

I remember every single moment of every death of my pets. It is etched and burned into my mind forever. I have the back seat of my car covered in a blanket to hide the blood stains from Maverick. I remember every moan, every yelp and every sad and painful look each of them gave me as we did the "Death Walk" into the vet.

I recall every second of taking Shadow in for a check-up and expecting to get some medicine for him but instead putting him down. There isn't anything about that that has left my mind or what it was like to leave without him, to come home and cry for hours while I looked at his empty bed.

I know I can't afford to do this.

But I'm doing it anyway.

I know as a renter this can cause me lots of problems in the future.

But I'm doing it anyway.

I know that there will be vet bills that I won't know how to pay.

So what? Been there and done that and my pets never went without proper care. I always manage to figure it out.

I know that there will be a time when Blue will be gone.

And I know that 99% of the time, things will be good.

It's not about adopting a dog.

It's about saving a life and having the courage to do so.

I can't save all of them, but I can save this one.

It's about having a companion to be with and thumbing my nose at all the humans who have rejected me prior.

It's about having someone to love and having that love returned.

It's about loneliness so deep that it makes you cry at night and knowing that this dog understands it.

It's about healing each other and moving on with our lives.

Together.